why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
