Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's rum buckets o'clock
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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