i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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