I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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