I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
