Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
