I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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