I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
