I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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