she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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