Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
