I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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