I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did I show you my penis last night?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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