I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
