So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
