Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
