I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
