Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
