I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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