I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
