if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
