My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
