I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
