Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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