i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
