I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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