I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
