Me too!
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
