I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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