I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
