1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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