She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
