Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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