Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
