the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I believe in your delicious
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
