where are you?
Hypothermia
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
