quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
