I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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