Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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