My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
