I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
