there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Even my vagina gasped.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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