I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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