Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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