I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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