he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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