my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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