Sponge bath it is.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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