You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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