My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
