it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
